DISCLAIMER: All names and ideas used are real. If this article hurts the sentiments of some people, it is meant to be.
Recently High Court gave the verdict on 1993 Mumbai Bomb Blasts and sentenced Actor Sanjay Dutt, better known as Munna bhai, to 5 years imprisonment, under the Illegal Arms Act. This has created hullabaloo in the Political and Bollywood fraternity.
The two major political alliances, UPA [Useless Pernicious Alliance] and NDA [National Derogatory Alliance], organize a meeting. Some representatives of Bollywood also attend the meeting.
'Italiano’ Gandhi puts forward the agenda of the meeting. She says, “This is dangerous. We can’t let this happen. We are above the petty judiciary and laws. Politicians and Celebrities should never be punished. If Munna is sentenced to prison, then it will just be a beginning. We all will go down under…”
‘Amul-Munna’ Gandhi- (interrupts in between) - “...But Mommy, you only said that Power is poison. Why would I be sentenced even after this philanthropic act of consuming poison?”
‘Italiano’ G- “I’m referring to Munnabhai, not you baby. You just keep folding your sleeves and enjoy your bournvita. You really need it.
‘Maakad’ ‘Sir-me-ju’: Now, I need all of you to come up with some ideas for obtaining clemency for Munna. I’ll write useless and crap letters to everyone in my 90% list, asking them to pardon Munna. After all, I can’t afford to be away from the Limelight. So, should we start with you Diggi babu?”
'Pig’vijay Singh- We should use our trump card- Youth. He was so young when he committed this crime. At 33, our own munna baby couldn’t even spell Goa.
Balwan Khur’shit’- Why to include our Yuvraj’s name? I think we should go with the idea that our madam cried all night after hearing this judgement. Those who don’t believe this should come to khur-shit-abad, and confront me. I dare them.
‘Sust-Bimaar’ Shinde- This is not a game of truth and dare, ballu. I guess, we should blame the Hindu terrorists for manipulating Munna. We can also use Secularism to display that his father showed sympathy towards Muslims, and so he is being targeted.
‘Maya’ ‘Reserve’wati –. I think we should follow the principle of my BSP (Building-only Structures Party). We should build large structures of Munna all across the country. People will see them, remember his contribution to Indian cinema, and will support us.
Soft ‘Chameleon’ Yadav- This will take too much time, Behenji. We should go with the policy of my SP (Showbiz Party). We should create a team of film stars, especially from the Minority community, who will do special interviews with media, in support of Munna. We would also give some lucky spectators free laptops.
‘Ek-hi-chiz-Har-Bar’ Vishwas - Good Idea, Netaji. I will also perform with my cliché poems. This time, I have even written three new lines..!!
Raj ‘Todfod’ Thakrey- ‘Shetkhana band kar re gaadhava!’ I will allow this in Mumbai only when all the performances are done in Marathi. Also, Marathi should be the default language in the laptops when they are used in Mumbai. Netaji, you can easily do this as you already use special software in such laptops.
‘Italiano’ G - Okay. We will think about this idea. Let us hear some other ideas first.
Sheela ‘Dick’shit- We should announce that Munna will give 600 rupees to a certain number of families in some cities, every month, for continuous 5 years. This would be a big help as a family of five can survive in that amount for a whole month. Also, Montek ‘Aaloo’walia supports me on this.
Arvind ‘Khujli’wal- It will be better if he provides electricity to people, rather than mere money. In my view, we all should go on a hunger strike and threaten the judges every other day that we will expose them. It always works.
‘Bhaiya’ Kamal R Khan- I have an idea. Let’s take inspiration from ‘Lage raho Munnabhai’ movie. I will build temporary residence outside High court and protest against this judgement. Then every alternate day, one of my relatives will keep visiting me, and eventually, build their own residence. Then you all can follow the same procedure. Soon we’ll be strong in numbers and can conveniently protest.
Ramu ‘Bhutiya’ Verma- Ha-ha, is this inspiration from the movie, or the real life, KRK? This is not Mumbai! Your idea sucks just like my recent movies. I have a much better idea. We should make the Judges watch ‘Ramu ki Aag’ and ‘Raavan’ back to back. And if even then they don’t change their decision, we can always use Karan Johar’s flicks.
[Some people murmur and show their support for this idea.]
‘Italiano’ G- I’m impressed, Ramu. I’ll order special ‘Awkward-angle’ cameras for you from Italy.
[Suddenly, our beloved Sallu ‘NotBeingHuman’ Khan enters in the room. He is drunk.]
Sallu- Sorry yaaron, I’m late. I told that lousy director that I can’t do acting; I just follow my mannerism. He didn’t understand and, to assuage my anger, I got drunk. You know while I was coming here, I had a small accident. My Hummer got on to a footpath and killed some bastards. Why you people build such bad roads?
[People start whispering. Dabang convinces everyone that he is in a fine fettle.]
Sallu- Yeah, I’m all right, but the front part of the Hummer got screwed. Well, I have a great idea, and it has been very successful in my case. We should start some NGO in Sanju baba’s name and do a bit of charity here and there. Indians are emotional fools. When they see charity and their stars/idols together, they forget everything else.
‘Mand’mohan Singh- THEEK h.
[Everyone starts applauding. Meeting ends.]
PS: When Munnabhai came to know about this, he called Sallu and dismissed this idea. He said that he knew the best idea. He would do the only thing he is best at- acting. He will cry a lot, will not ask for clemency, and gain the most important aspect of this country - sympathy.